The great artist Michelangelo said, "Every block of stone has a statue inside, and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it." We are each the sculptor of our own lives. Are you focusing on your strengths and your positive qualities? Are you focusing on strengths in others as well? Or are you more concerned with faults or misgivings? Are you using your gifts in your daily life? Your strengths are the beautiful sculpture, and the other stuff is the debris that's being carved and chipped away.
Modern psychology has created an assessment called the VIA Test of Character Strengths which outlined 24 positive character qualities we each may have. However, even through history people have known about such things. Christian theology gave us the Cardinal Virtues, Buddhism gave us the Four Virtues which are Metta (loving-kindness), compassion, empathy, and equanimity. These are very similar to ones in the VIA assessment. If you are not focusing on strengths you are not making the most of your God-given gifts, for you, your kids, or those you interact with, or care about. Ask yourself today, are you chipping away to find your masterpiece?
Tuesday, September 25, 2018
Friday, February 9, 2018
The Tao of Goals -- Self Concordant Goals
"If you don't have a plan, plan to fail."
I have become convinced that goals and vision are the keys to success, but in contemporary America, in my opinion we don't see the whole picture when it comes to creating goals and creating a vision. There are missing pieces and in this aspect, I truly believe we can learn a lot from both Eastern culture, and from the wisdom of the ancients.
The fact is merely creating goals is not enough, one needs to strike balance between structure and insight, logic and intuition, mind and heart -- otherwise, goals are going to lack impact. What it means is the most important thing is creating mindful, self-concordant goals. Self-concordant goals are ones that emanate from within, also referred to as 'intrinsic.' The great writer Shakespeare said, "To thine own self be true. And it must follow as the day the night, thou canst not then be false to any other man." When it comes to creating a vision and setting good goals, nothing is truer. The more that our goals reflect our true self, our true inner desires then the more powerful, energizing, and motivating they become, and greater chance we have to realize them.
In Steven Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, one of his top rules is to "begin with the end in mind" and essentially what Covey is referring to is the need to create the goal. I like to think of it as vision. Vision is even greater than goals, because it infers a sense of greater meaning and purpose, something with emotional power that comes from the heart and soul. And, I see the goals and strategies as important steps and elements of the structure of that greater vision.
What it boils down to is that living a life without any destination is merely floating or drifting with no clear sense of purpose. There are times we have all wanted to float a bit; in fact, floating can be a great break from reality. I actually did this for quite some time (too long!) in my twenties, and it was something that I don't regret. However, I got tired of it after a while. I am sure that I learned and gained so much though by living that way. What I came back to was a realization of the need for balance in life. Ultimately it is balancing the inner vision with outer structure and step by step pathway to achievements. The Buddha said we must take the middle path and that is the ultimate path particularly when it comes to vision and goals.
I have become convinced that goals and vision are the keys to success, but in contemporary America, in my opinion we don't see the whole picture when it comes to creating goals and creating a vision. There are missing pieces and in this aspect, I truly believe we can learn a lot from both Eastern culture, and from the wisdom of the ancients.
The fact is merely creating goals is not enough, one needs to strike balance between structure and insight, logic and intuition, mind and heart -- otherwise, goals are going to lack impact. What it means is the most important thing is creating mindful, self-concordant goals. Self-concordant goals are ones that emanate from within, also referred to as 'intrinsic.' The great writer Shakespeare said, "To thine own self be true. And it must follow as the day the night, thou canst not then be false to any other man." When it comes to creating a vision and setting good goals, nothing is truer. The more that our goals reflect our true self, our true inner desires then the more powerful, energizing, and motivating they become, and greater chance we have to realize them.
In Steven Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, one of his top rules is to "begin with the end in mind" and essentially what Covey is referring to is the need to create the goal. I like to think of it as vision. Vision is even greater than goals, because it infers a sense of greater meaning and purpose, something with emotional power that comes from the heart and soul. And, I see the goals and strategies as important steps and elements of the structure of that greater vision.
What it boils down to is that living a life without any destination is merely floating or drifting with no clear sense of purpose. There are times we have all wanted to float a bit; in fact, floating can be a great break from reality. I actually did this for quite some time (too long!) in my twenties, and it was something that I don't regret. However, I got tired of it after a while. I am sure that I learned and gained so much though by living that way. What I came back to was a realization of the need for balance in life. Ultimately it is balancing the inner vision with outer structure and step by step pathway to achievements. The Buddha said we must take the middle path and that is the ultimate path particularly when it comes to vision and goals.
Thursday, October 12, 2017
Learn to Fail or Fail To Learn
"Mistakes are a fact of life.
It is the response to error that counts"
Nikki Giovanni
One of my favorite expressions is: Learn to fail or fail to learn...life is a process of endless learning. It's not the person who doesn't make mistakes who thrives but rather it's the person who is always learning from their mistakes who will really continue to grow and succeed. That is why I am always suggesting to people to start meditating because one of its purposes (among others) is quiet reflection. At the end of your day sit quietly and consider what happened -- your interactions with people, choices you made, circumstances you put yourself into. Could you have done anything differently? Made better choices? Optimized something? At the same time, also give yourself a pat on the back for something you did well. How could you bring more of that into your life?
One of my favorite expressions is: Learn to fail or fail to learn...life is a process of endless learning. It's not the person who doesn't make mistakes who thrives but rather it's the person who is always learning from their mistakes who will really continue to grow and succeed. That is why I am always suggesting to people to start meditating because one of its purposes (among others) is quiet reflection. At the end of your day sit quietly and consider what happened -- your interactions with people, choices you made, circumstances you put yourself into. Could you have done anything differently? Made better choices? Optimized something? At the same time, also give yourself a pat on the back for something you did well. How could you bring more of that into your life?
Sunday, August 13, 2017
Reduce Stress and Enhance Well-being Through Cultivating Your Strengths
There has been much interest recently in the fields of mental healthcare and wellness, as well as in the area of research psychology; on how to find ways to help individuals become more strengths-oriented. This means living more from one’s strengths, virtues, skills, talents, gifts, rather than from deficits. This may be new in terms of modern healthcare, but the fact is this is really nothing new - in instinctive or intuitive ways people have relied upon the use of personal strengths as long as humans have desired to improve their lives. Nonetheless, as the modern research is showing, a well-thought, evidence-based use of tools such as research, assessments, guidance, and coaching can be an extremely helpful aid in realizing and living one’s strengths.
Today, exciting research on strengths and practical application comes primarily from the emerging field of positive psychology. Positive psychology is spurring a paradigm shift toward wellness and wholeness, and is permeating psychology and mental health. Instead of the traditional focus on disease or illness; fixing what is wrong with people most of the time through the use of pills or surgery. Positive psychology is more holistic and focuses intensively on what is right and well with people, and on how individuals can draw upon their inner resources to improve their lives in terms of enhanced well-being, improved interpersonal relationships, work, creativity, and spiritual pursuits. Some of the best assessments currently available for helping to understand personal strengths and put them to use are the Realise2 developed by Alex Linley, the Strengthsfinder 2.0 by Donald Clifton, and the VIA by Martin Seligman. All of these assessments are simple to take and can be either taken online, or ordered directly from the publisher’s website at a moderate cost, or completely free (the VIA is free).
What’s cool about integrating strengths more fully into one’s life is that not only are the use of strengths empowering and can help maximize performance, but also improve quality of life by reducing stress and improving health. During the middle part of the 20th century, renowned stress researcher Hans Selye became one of the first to recognize that stress isn’t always destructive, and that positive lifestyle behaviors can be beneficial to physiology. He named beneficial stress, eustress. We all know in an intuitive way that when we overextend ourselves by taking on too many responsibilities, or simply not take sufficient self-care though proper sleep or diet, it can be detrimental to both our physical or psychological well-being. The destructive aspects of stress are fairly well known, but according to Selye, certain forms of stress can also have a specific positive effect upon our health and well-being. Eustress can be experienced when we acknowledge and consciously implement our strengths. Linley’s theory of strengths says that strengths energize people, which is interestingly very similar to health researcher Richard Lazarus’s definition (Lazarus followed up Selye’s research) of eustress which is, “the positive cognitive response to stress that is healthy, or gives one a feeling of fulfillment or other positive feelings.”
Just about anything in life, any activity, could be either stressful or fulfilling depending upon a person’s connection with it. For example, people who are high performers thrive or flourish in the same activities and tasks in which others become stressed out, or suffer from burnout. Why? There are a myriad of potential contributing factors, but a primary one is because the individual who thrives makes a connection and finds that particular task or activity as strength, whereas the other person finds it as a weakness. The key is very simple: When an activity is strength it energizes; but when it’s a weakness, it drains. When we begin to listen inwardly, practice introspection, mindfulness, reflection, and intuition (and, with the aid of assessments such as those mentioned above), we discover our strengths, thereby improving well-being by reducing distress and maximizing eustress.
Putting one’s strengths to use begins with understanding the nature of strengths and how they emanate from one’s internal core; intuitively this is not necessarily new, but in fact quite ancient. However today, exciting new research shows people are learning both intuitively and systematically how to put internal strengths to use in very practical and tangible ways to bring out their best in all areas of life. When people learn to rely upon strengths more often, they energize themselves and become less stressed by generating more positive physiology and biochemistry e.g., more positive hormones and less destructive ones. We are only beginning to see the virtually unlimited potential of realizing and living out one’s personal and individualized strengths.
Today, exciting research on strengths and practical application comes primarily from the emerging field of positive psychology. Positive psychology is spurring a paradigm shift toward wellness and wholeness, and is permeating psychology and mental health. Instead of the traditional focus on disease or illness; fixing what is wrong with people most of the time through the use of pills or surgery. Positive psychology is more holistic and focuses intensively on what is right and well with people, and on how individuals can draw upon their inner resources to improve their lives in terms of enhanced well-being, improved interpersonal relationships, work, creativity, and spiritual pursuits. Some of the best assessments currently available for helping to understand personal strengths and put them to use are the Realise2 developed by Alex Linley, the Strengthsfinder 2.0 by Donald Clifton, and the VIA by Martin Seligman. All of these assessments are simple to take and can be either taken online, or ordered directly from the publisher’s website at a moderate cost, or completely free (the VIA is free).
What’s cool about integrating strengths more fully into one’s life is that not only are the use of strengths empowering and can help maximize performance, but also improve quality of life by reducing stress and improving health. During the middle part of the 20th century, renowned stress researcher Hans Selye became one of the first to recognize that stress isn’t always destructive, and that positive lifestyle behaviors can be beneficial to physiology. He named beneficial stress, eustress. We all know in an intuitive way that when we overextend ourselves by taking on too many responsibilities, or simply not take sufficient self-care though proper sleep or diet, it can be detrimental to both our physical or psychological well-being. The destructive aspects of stress are fairly well known, but according to Selye, certain forms of stress can also have a specific positive effect upon our health and well-being. Eustress can be experienced when we acknowledge and consciously implement our strengths. Linley’s theory of strengths says that strengths energize people, which is interestingly very similar to health researcher Richard Lazarus’s definition (Lazarus followed up Selye’s research) of eustress which is, “the positive cognitive response to stress that is healthy, or gives one a feeling of fulfillment or other positive feelings.”
Just about anything in life, any activity, could be either stressful or fulfilling depending upon a person’s connection with it. For example, people who are high performers thrive or flourish in the same activities and tasks in which others become stressed out, or suffer from burnout. Why? There are a myriad of potential contributing factors, but a primary one is because the individual who thrives makes a connection and finds that particular task or activity as strength, whereas the other person finds it as a weakness. The key is very simple: When an activity is strength it energizes; but when it’s a weakness, it drains. When we begin to listen inwardly, practice introspection, mindfulness, reflection, and intuition (and, with the aid of assessments such as those mentioned above), we discover our strengths, thereby improving well-being by reducing distress and maximizing eustress.
Putting one’s strengths to use begins with understanding the nature of strengths and how they emanate from one’s internal core; intuitively this is not necessarily new, but in fact quite ancient. However today, exciting new research shows people are learning both intuitively and systematically how to put internal strengths to use in very practical and tangible ways to bring out their best in all areas of life. When people learn to rely upon strengths more often, they energize themselves and become less stressed by generating more positive physiology and biochemistry e.g., more positive hormones and less destructive ones. We are only beginning to see the virtually unlimited potential of realizing and living out one’s personal and individualized strengths.
Friday, August 4, 2017
The Fine Line of Coping and Thriving: Which Side Do You Want to Be On?
Do you realize that your life may be a lot more similar to great powerful achievers such as Hillary or Bill Clinton, Steven Spielberg, Stephen Curry, or Bill Gates than you might think? That's because there's a very fine line between struggling or coping, and moving ahead to flourishing, thriving. We are all living on this razor's edge continuum. The New York Times best-selling author and spiritual teacher Michael Singer says that the average person's life, with all the stress and challenge that goes into daily living, is similar to the quest of a mountain climber; that in other words, we're each scaling our own Kilimanjaro every day but don't realize it! I wholeheartedly agree with Singer, in fact it's something I have always preached.
It actually requires optimal performance to simply make it through a regular day. We have to deal with serious illness, agitated and abusive bosses or mates, toxic substances in our environment, the exponentially speeding pace of technology and the information age, drugs and other social problems, increasing traffic, deteriorating infrastructure in our communities --these are all the stressors we are contending with moment by moment. No walk in the park!
There is a fine line between coping and thriving. The problem is that we sell ourselves short - we don't give ourselves enough credit for being able to walk this thin line, to make it through this daily maze of obstacles and stressors. If we did give ourselves some credit for this, we may find we also begin to see the possibility we could even do more, we each have the potential to become the dynamic, flourishing, amazing person we perhaps inwardly desire to be.
There is actually a scientific principal which shows how this works. In the field of psychology there is something called the Yerkes-Dodson Curve developed by Robert M. Yerkes and John Dodson at the beginning of the 20th century, 1908.
The Yerkes-Dodson Curve displays the relationship between arousal and performance, something we are each subjected to, no matter if we are high or low profile, or no matter our performance level, or socio-economic status. It is a completely individualistic phenomenon. The main idea behind this theory is that when we find the exact level of arousal (or stress) we will perform at our best, period. We move from merely coping to thriving! The challenge is that we each need to find this "sweet spot" so to speak, which can be daunting at times, and we do that by crafting our life and lifestyle in a healthy, enthusiastic, and realistic fashion.
It actually requires optimal performance to simply make it through a regular day. We have to deal with serious illness, agitated and abusive bosses or mates, toxic substances in our environment, the exponentially speeding pace of technology and the information age, drugs and other social problems, increasing traffic, deteriorating infrastructure in our communities --these are all the stressors we are contending with moment by moment. No walk in the park!
There is a fine line between coping and thriving. The problem is that we sell ourselves short - we don't give ourselves enough credit for being able to walk this thin line, to make it through this daily maze of obstacles and stressors. If we did give ourselves some credit for this, we may find we also begin to see the possibility we could even do more, we each have the potential to become the dynamic, flourishing, amazing person we perhaps inwardly desire to be.
There is actually a scientific principal which shows how this works. In the field of psychology there is something called the Yerkes-Dodson Curve developed by Robert M. Yerkes and John Dodson at the beginning of the 20th century, 1908.
Sunday, July 2, 2017
The Mindful Choice: A Tool for Personal Effectiveness and Emotional Well-being
Life is always presenting challenges and without the proper tools to deal with them, you can feel unprepared. So, the question is how do you develop such tools? Regarding stress, there is something called the coping-thriving continuum, which means it is not enough for people to merely cope with stress but to also find ways to thrive or flourish during duress, since stress will always be there and can never be completely turned off. Sometimes it is inevitable individuals are going to have to merely cope, but the idea is to move increasingly toward thriving since no one only wants to just “hang in there,” all the time, that’s not much fun. Thriving means you are on top of things, you are living well, creating and generating the positive stuff you seek in your life. If you feel you are living optimally, then you’re moving in a good direction; but if not, then you might agree you probably need to learn tools and skills that will help provide the ability to deal with stress better, and maybe even begin to thrive.
One great practice I want to introduce to you is what I call The Mindful Choice, influenced by a therapy called Transactional Analysis. In TA which was developed by Eric Berne in the 1970's and popularized by his best-selling book titled "Games People Play," along with another book "I'm OK, You're OK" by Timothy Harris, TA offers a simple and effective model of the mind and personality. Berne taught that we have a parent self, an adult self, and a child self. Perhaps you can get an idea by their names what these are. Interestingly, even though we are "supposed" to be mature, grown adults, we don't always act that way. Sometimes though it may be hard to admit, if you don’t get your way you might get agitated or even scream, kick, or throw things around like an impetuous child. In TA that is described as acting from your child self. On the other hand, at times you may also reprimand, judge, scold, or talk to others in a patronizing or condescending way when you don't think they are measuring up to your standards or judgments (even though you yourself may be performing the same actions as you are judging them for). And likewise at times you even may judge yourself too harshly. When you are acting those ways, you are operating from your parent self.
The optimal way to live - thriving instead of coping - is when you are acting from your adult self. It means you feel clear-minded, balanced, and are making good choices that are healthy, resourceful and wise; choices that are not only good for yourself but for the good of everybody else involved, family, friends, co-workers, and so on. In that place, you are not shutting off your emotions, nor are you overly indulging them yet are honoring, respecting, and listening to them. Marsha Linehan, who created a mindfulness based therapy called DBT, described this as “wise-mind”.
The important question is how do we act from adult self/wise-mind and stay in that mindset as much as possible? Again, it is mostly reflective of our choices. Our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are a continual loop that create the cycle of choice. Every choice has a consequence, viewed by some as the universal law that states, “what comes around goes around.” The way we treat others and ourselves, the effort we put into something – really, whatever we focus our mind and energy on yields returns; and, what we don't spend time and energy on, does not. The pursuit of mindfulness is about developing an intuitive and critical awareness of what is important and what we need to focus our mind, energy, and resources into every single moment, this is the power of choice.
For the sake of doing this practice I will try and simplify it as much as possible. If you are operating from your inner child or your parent, call that your lower self. When you are operating from your adult self, or wise-mind, we will call that the higher self or your best self.
The following are the 5 steps of the Mindful Choice process:
Step 1 -- Identify a challenge you are facing
Step 2 -- Use mindful awareness and identify which aspect you are operating from: the higher self, or lower self (child or parent). Notice clearly what thinking and behavior patterns you are using and how the pattern(s) may be destructive in your life.
Step 3 --- Next use the centering practice, breathe, and relax into yourself. Tune into something called your observer self. The observer self is the capacity to step back and watch how you are acting and being --- it is your awareness of thoughts and feelings, your ability to notice, feel, and label emotions and the internal state you are experiencing; it is the capacity to observe your own life. Be aware of your emotions and step outside of them. See them from a distance, you might call this detaching from them, in a positive way.
Step 4 --- Now put your higher self e.g., your adult mind, in charge, and make a mindful choice, about how you will handle this challenge.
Step 5 --- What did you learn about yourself and how you handled the challenge?
Integrating this practice into your life on a regular basis will make a huge difference in the quality of your life and quality of your choices and happiness levels in general. Have fun, stay present, and enjoy the journey!
One great practice I want to introduce to you is what I call The Mindful Choice, influenced by a therapy called Transactional Analysis. In TA which was developed by Eric Berne in the 1970's and popularized by his best-selling book titled "Games People Play," along with another book "I'm OK, You're OK" by Timothy Harris, TA offers a simple and effective model of the mind and personality. Berne taught that we have a parent self, an adult self, and a child self. Perhaps you can get an idea by their names what these are. Interestingly, even though we are "supposed" to be mature, grown adults, we don't always act that way. Sometimes though it may be hard to admit, if you don’t get your way you might get agitated or even scream, kick, or throw things around like an impetuous child. In TA that is described as acting from your child self. On the other hand, at times you may also reprimand, judge, scold, or talk to others in a patronizing or condescending way when you don't think they are measuring up to your standards or judgments (even though you yourself may be performing the same actions as you are judging them for). And likewise at times you even may judge yourself too harshly. When you are acting those ways, you are operating from your parent self.
The optimal way to live - thriving instead of coping - is when you are acting from your adult self. It means you feel clear-minded, balanced, and are making good choices that are healthy, resourceful and wise; choices that are not only good for yourself but for the good of everybody else involved, family, friends, co-workers, and so on. In that place, you are not shutting off your emotions, nor are you overly indulging them yet are honoring, respecting, and listening to them. Marsha Linehan, who created a mindfulness based therapy called DBT, described this as “wise-mind”.
The important question is how do we act from adult self/wise-mind and stay in that mindset as much as possible? Again, it is mostly reflective of our choices. Our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are a continual loop that create the cycle of choice. Every choice has a consequence, viewed by some as the universal law that states, “what comes around goes around.” The way we treat others and ourselves, the effort we put into something – really, whatever we focus our mind and energy on yields returns; and, what we don't spend time and energy on, does not. The pursuit of mindfulness is about developing an intuitive and critical awareness of what is important and what we need to focus our mind, energy, and resources into every single moment, this is the power of choice.
For the sake of doing this practice I will try and simplify it as much as possible. If you are operating from your inner child or your parent, call that your lower self. When you are operating from your adult self, or wise-mind, we will call that the higher self or your best self.
The following are the 5 steps of the Mindful Choice process:
Step 1 -- Identify a challenge you are facing
Step 2 -- Use mindful awareness and identify which aspect you are operating from: the higher self, or lower self (child or parent). Notice clearly what thinking and behavior patterns you are using and how the pattern(s) may be destructive in your life.
Step 3 --- Next use the centering practice, breathe, and relax into yourself. Tune into something called your observer self. The observer self is the capacity to step back and watch how you are acting and being --- it is your awareness of thoughts and feelings, your ability to notice, feel, and label emotions and the internal state you are experiencing; it is the capacity to observe your own life. Be aware of your emotions and step outside of them. See them from a distance, you might call this detaching from them, in a positive way.
Step 4 --- Now put your higher self e.g., your adult mind, in charge, and make a mindful choice, about how you will handle this challenge.
Step 5 --- What did you learn about yourself and how you handled the challenge?
Integrating this practice into your life on a regular basis will make a huge difference in the quality of your life and quality of your choices and happiness levels in general. Have fun, stay present, and enjoy the journey!
Saturday, June 17, 2017
Self Compassion and the Distracted Mind
In our way of life today in the information age, with its frenetic pace and correlated explosion of media and marketing, there are so many ways in which we are pressured to "keep up with the Joneses," at times it feels like it would be great if we could let it all go and simply not worry about any of it. In fact, there actually is something called F-It therapy -- simply saying F-it and letting go when stress gets overwhelming. I agree with F-It's basic premise, learning to say F-it can be quite liberating, though can be highly challenging at times and can take practice as well. Another thing we might do in order to make the ride and journey a little more joy-filled and less stressed is learn to be more compassionate and allowing toward ourselves and others; it really does start with kindness and compassion towards oneself.
In order to be effective we've got to be able to focus and think clearly about what we are doing, but if our minds are filled with chatter especially harsh, self-loathing thoughts, that task becomes very difficult. So, how do we shut off the endless chatter of our distractable, "monkey mind"? Renowned meditation teacher Jack Kornfield says we need to "quiet the mind in any way we can," and I have found what Kornfield says is true. Sometimes saying F-it may not be enough, so we try other ways. Meditation, yoga, breathing, are all great remedies and it is a great idea to develop a daily practice incorporating these types of things. Further, we are all unique, and there may be other activities that help quite the mind as well. They could be dancing, drawing or another form of art, writing, walking or other exercise -- really could be anything but try and focus on calming ones, or what Chinese healing refers to as "yin" activities. Any activity that offers you the opportunity to experience a sense of what Claremont Graduate University professor Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi calls "flow" --which is being so engaged in an activity you are enjoying that you lose track of yourself, time, and your surroundings, and one also in in which your skill level is a good match for the difficulty -- will help you learn to better manage your mind, thoughts, and moods.
So, finding activities that give the opportunity to experience flow is important but calming the monkey mind can also take some concerted effort as well. One great technique offered by psychologist Elisha Goldstein is called S.T.O.P. a simple acronym which stands for Stop, Take a breath, Observe, and Proceed. Pretty simple, but quite effective. When we notice our mind spinning out of control, away from the task at hand, use these steps to help bring you back to your center. Yet, the key is mindfulness, learning to notice when that is happening. Additionally, research shows that labeling what we are feeling and experiencing is beneficial to gaining more control of our emotions. I use the S.T.O.P. technique very frequently and it works great and can be used with a number of variations as well. One great variation is a to insert a positive affirmation immediately after taking a breath, e.g., a positive statement of self-talk such as, "I am calm and relaxed." Thank you for reading, and I will have more solutions for quieting the monkey mind in upcoming posts…..
In order to be effective we've got to be able to focus and think clearly about what we are doing, but if our minds are filled with chatter especially harsh, self-loathing thoughts, that task becomes very difficult. So, how do we shut off the endless chatter of our distractable, "monkey mind"? Renowned meditation teacher Jack Kornfield says we need to "quiet the mind in any way we can," and I have found what Kornfield says is true. Sometimes saying F-it may not be enough, so we try other ways. Meditation, yoga, breathing, are all great remedies and it is a great idea to develop a daily practice incorporating these types of things. Further, we are all unique, and there may be other activities that help quite the mind as well. They could be dancing, drawing or another form of art, writing, walking or other exercise -- really could be anything but try and focus on calming ones, or what Chinese healing refers to as "yin" activities. Any activity that offers you the opportunity to experience a sense of what Claremont Graduate University professor Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi calls "flow" --which is being so engaged in an activity you are enjoying that you lose track of yourself, time, and your surroundings, and one also in in which your skill level is a good match for the difficulty -- will help you learn to better manage your mind, thoughts, and moods.
So, finding activities that give the opportunity to experience flow is important but calming the monkey mind can also take some concerted effort as well. One great technique offered by psychologist Elisha Goldstein is called S.T.O.P. a simple acronym which stands for Stop, Take a breath, Observe, and Proceed. Pretty simple, but quite effective. When we notice our mind spinning out of control, away from the task at hand, use these steps to help bring you back to your center. Yet, the key is mindfulness, learning to notice when that is happening. Additionally, research shows that labeling what we are feeling and experiencing is beneficial to gaining more control of our emotions. I use the S.T.O.P. technique very frequently and it works great and can be used with a number of variations as well. One great variation is a to insert a positive affirmation immediately after taking a breath, e.g., a positive statement of self-talk such as, "I am calm and relaxed." Thank you for reading, and I will have more solutions for quieting the monkey mind in upcoming posts…..
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